Good Enough: Grace for the Season

I skipped the gym again today.  I ran to the grocery store after an appointment, picked up a few things for dinner tonight.  I grabbed something that will work for tomorrow night as well.  I could have technically made it to my gym class, but my body feels stressed in so many ways, that I’m having to pace myself, skip a day or two, breathe.

I’m a perfectionist.  A rule follower.  A list maker.  A detail-oriented, plan ahead, perfectly flexible as long as things are done properly and with plenty of planning….kind of girl.

I meal plan by the week, and grocery shop the same way.  I have a running to-do list, that gets knocked out systematically, added to daily, occasionally organized by color.  I have a day planner and a phone calendar, and they line up perfectly.  I could generally tell you on Sunday night, which days I will be at the gym for the entire week.

But in the last few weeks, that calendar is getting more and more crammed with a million events and appointments and trips.  My to-do list is growing, and I feel like I’m not making progress on many of the items.  My weekly meal planning has dropped from 7 full days to “I’m going to run to the store and buy something for dinner for tonight, and figure out tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.”

And last week, in the midst of several additional stressors, I fully melted down about it.  I was exhausted and my brain was scrambled and I felt behind schedule on so many, many things.  Tearfully panicking about the fact that I didn’t have graduation announcements ordered; yelling at my husband about the fact that the contractor needed to meet me at the store when I had planned to be finishing up painting the trim; frantically decreeing that I was not attending a school meeting because I simply could not spare the time.

 

Life is always busy.  Always messy.  Always chaotic.  But this season is even more so for us, and we honestly didn’t plan in advance for the level we’ve been living in for the last few months.  And without a plan. . . .I don’t do well.  I crumble, panic, hide.  I alternate between tears and rage as my frustration begins to spiral out of control and bleed into anxiety.

We’ve ordered pizza more in the last two months than we probably have in the last year.

We’ve skipped out on church, school meetings, and going to the gym – things that are really important to us.

We’ve sat on the sofa after the kids have gone to bed, numb and exhausted, too tired and bone weary to do anything beyond talk about how tired we are.

And the next several months don’t look much easier.  Things might calm down when kids go back to school.  In August.  But only after they’ve been in school a few weeks and we’ve settled into the new routine.

WHICH SOUNDS LIKE INSANITY TO ME.

And so, I am reminding myself that this is a season.  And for this season, it is good enough.  There is enough grace to cover us, no matter how long it lasts.

My family has food on the table and in the pantry.  It is not all paleo and it is not planned much in advance, but it is food.

Good enough. Grace enough.

 

Jesus and I are good.  I miss church when we don’t attend – we absolutely love our church – but Jesus sees our family and the need we have for whatever rest we can gather, whatever time we can piece together is holy and sacred in its own way.

Good enough. Grace enough.

 

I’ve made it to the gym sporadically this past month, and when I do go – it is generally a hot death struggle bus to make it through the workout.  But when I go, I work my hardest, and I remember that I will get back to it, I love it too much, it is too good for me to give up.  But in this season – there are priorities that must be shifted, grace that must be extended to myself – for rest and breathing room and ropes that won’t get climbed.

Good enough. Grace enough.

 

The season will end.  It always does.  The house project will wrap up and I will brush my teeth in my own sink again.  The eldest will graduate and we will celebrate and mourn and celebrate again – and she will pack up, move off to college and we will settle into our new normal.  The rush of finals, end of course testing, field trips, and parties will subside, and we will find our routine again.  We will make our way back to church and school meetings and the gym.  Meal planning and the weekly trip to pick up groceries will come back into my schedule.

It is all too easy for me to fall into a trap of thinking that anything less than perfection is not good enough.  The truth is, even with all of my planning and listing, this life is never perfect.  I cannot make it so, I cannot organize it into perfection – it is messy and chaotic and complicated.  And when the season ends, the storm subsides, we will have all survived.  It will have been good enough and the grace will have been enough to see us through.

It’s become a mantra and a prayer for me as I pick up the phone to order pizza (again), or skip the gym so that I have time to cook dinner (or write), or let the kids sleep in on a Sunday after a week of studying, working, dance rehearsals, testing.

Good enough.  Grace enough.

This might not be how I prefer to live my life, but it’s a good life, with people I love.

And I’m so thankful for the Grace that makes the chaos Good Enough.