Since fighting in the trenches with Bella, and becoming more vocal about my own battles, I’ve found more and more people coming forward to tell me their stories. There have been others who are still fighting who needed me to stand beside them, to hold their hands in the darkest moments, and I imagine there will be more in the future. There are also those who are at a place of peace and simply have reached out to say that my story reflected theirs at one point. But mostly, I’ve found so many who have said that they live – like I do – in a place of limbo…. Where the good outweighs the bad on most days, but some days the bad rises up with unexpected force and knocks them down. And on those days, they need someone to help them hold on to hope.
And so, here I am. Desperately wanting to make sure that no one else falls into these traps – whether this is a new fight for them, or an all too familiar one – that no one else fears asking for help, that no one else believes the lies that they are alone, unworthy, and somehow anything less than loved by God. Speaking out, and speaking up. For myself, and for all the Bellas still out there. Hoping to be a voice to help end the stigma, a voice to help others hold on, a voice. . .and an ear to listen.
Thank you for reading my story, all the way to the long, wordy end (It has taken me way longer to write this than I expected; who knew I had so much to say? Don’t ask my husband, he apparently knows). Although, I hope this is not the end, but a beginning.
I’ll wrap my story up the way I started. . .
I have anxiety.
I have depression.
I have struggled with suicidal ideation.
I am a Jesus Follower.
I believe in The Omniscient, Omnipotent and Omnibenevolent God.
And neither my religion, nor my love of spreadsheets, nor my love for my family prevented me from battling with my mental health.
I am 37. I have fought this since I was 11. I may continue to fight it for the rest of my life. But I am worthy and loved by God.
And so are you.
Welcome. You are not alone.